It was fucking intense! INTENSE. my body had an actually physical reaction, i got all hot and my hair line started to throb, i was suddenly drenched in threat and i wanted to curl up in pain. It felt like the back of my throat imploded and the involuntary tears came. So many times i'd listened to that song. I hadn't played it in ages but so many times i'd listened to that song and screamed out the lyrics with joel, by myself with my hidden present of love inside me rejoicing, in the car back from stolen moments together, in the car on the way to spending hours upon hours with him doing nothing, other than basking on our youth and young love.
But even when it was our song, i used to know the lyrics and wonder if we should actually pick another... but even then it fitted so wondrously i was like meh.
Joel was a completely new experience to me. He did take me far away, far away from all my friends and my family. he consumed me. I let him, i was obsessed. The relationships unattended, neglected just died, and then i kind of did question if it was worth it anymore. But i didn't care, i was in ecstasy. All i wanted was to feel Joels arms around me.
Its such an instictive thing, such a base want. To be held. Especially as a girl, you just want to feel your loves arms around you, nothing can touch you. NOTHING. your safe, both of you. your both fulfilling your desires.
Ecstasy is so igniting. So electrifying. I remember distinctly running up the escalators at work thinking I AM A WOMAN.
I am desired, i am sexy. This is incredible, this is it.
I've said all through my life, "never let me go" I used to say it to my mum as a child, to my dad as an extremely young child, to my grandma when she looked after me. It was the one real thing i asked of God. Never Let Me go. Hold me tight in your hands.
I used to say it to joel. Never let me go. whatever happens, never let me go. But these past six months have been hard, i've been under so much stress, from finishing uni, from work and change of management, from giving my best to people other than joel, and i lost my shine. I lost my glitter. I still have the ability to shine like starlight i just was too tired to be able to do it for a while. I faded for a few weeks. Our relationship got *old* *serious* *bare essentials* *we were both worn out* *like an old tired couple* *unable to make the effort*. And joel simply said "It shouldn't be this hard". and bailed.
Next time I start dating a guy and a song choses us, I'm going to even more weary of the lyrics, of the real story in the song. At the beginning it was exciting, it was always night when we snuck away together and i did fall hard.
I love being me. I'm slowly working out my personality. I realise I'm passionate, easily lit with excitement and enthusiasm. I am a dreamer. I throw m whole body to the wind and fly with it, and no matter how many times i crash i am still genuinely surprised because above all else i believe in myself. But there's only so many times of falling that i realise i should change tactics. I'm still going to throw my whole self into the wind (i think this is why i always ask those closest to hold on to me.) but I'm going to have tact this time.
I'm a little more clued in..... a little more.
Starlight By Muse.
Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from my memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
The starlight
I will be chasing your starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away, never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations
And our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away, never fade away
And our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations, yeah
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
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