In the end,

it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away

- shing xiong

when people look at me

Do you think they can see the big black gapping hole that you left?
I try to seam charming i try to be charismatic but its always there.
I am like the living dead and once people see the gross cavity where my heart should be they react with horror, sympathy and reject.

i miss my blonde hair when i see these

Mr Chalker Stalker

coming soon.... why can't stalkers ever be the one?

past is history, future's a mystery.

please tell me that "real men" are not myths.

Coz i'm a real woman and i won't settle for anything less ever again.....

I don't want you to write the book of answers.
I just want some. Or even some sort of emotional reaction!
I can coherently translate into words most of my feelings. I'm not an author, poet, professor of language or feelings.
I know there must be more behind your shrugs your mehs, your grunts.
Honestly dude give me something, even if its cruel, abrupt or rude.
I JUST WANT SOME ANSWERS.

the cure for everything is salt water

tears


sweat and


the ocean.

sometimes i backside.

but soon even this will pass!







.

Starlight

one of the most painful, excrusinatley hurtful, delicious things i have done since joel and i broke up was listen to our song.
It was fucking intense! INTENSE. my body had an actually physical reaction, i got all hot and my hair line started to throb, i was suddenly drenched in threat and i wanted to curl up in pain. It felt like the back of my throat imploded and the involuntary tears came. So many times i'd listened to that song. I hadn't played it in ages but so many times i'd listened to that song and screamed out the lyrics with joel, by myself with my hidden present of love inside me rejoicing, in the car back from stolen moments together, in the car on the way to spending hours upon hours with him doing nothing, other than basking on our youth and young love.
But even when it was our song, i used to know the lyrics and wonder if we should actually pick another... but even then it fitted so wondrously i was like meh.



Joel was a completely new experience to me. He did take me far away, far away from all my friends and my family. he consumed me. I let him, i was obsessed. The relationships unattended, neglected just died, and then i kind of did question if it was worth it anymore. But i didn't care, i was in ecstasy. All i wanted was to feel Joels arms around me.
Its such an instictive thing, such a base want. To be held. Especially as a girl, you just want to feel your loves arms around you, nothing can touch you. NOTHING. your safe, both of you. your both fulfilling your desires.
Ecstasy is so igniting. So electrifying. I remember distinctly running up the escalators at work thinking I AM A WOMAN.
I am desired, i am sexy. This is incredible, this is it.
I've said all through my life, "never let me go" I used to say it to my mum as a child, to my dad as an extremely young child, to my grandma when she looked after me. It was the one real thing i asked of God. Never Let Me go. Hold me tight in your hands.
I used to say it to joel. Never let me go. whatever happens, never let me go. But these past six months have been hard, i've been under so much stress, from finishing uni, from work and change of management, from giving my best to people other than joel, and i lost my shine. I lost my glitter. I still have the ability to shine like starlight i just was too tired to be able to do it for a while. I faded for a few weeks. Our relationship got *old* *serious* *bare essentials* *we were both worn out* *like an old tired couple* *unable to make the effort*. And joel simply said "It shouldn't be this hard". and bailed.


Next time I start dating a guy and a song choses us, I'm going to even more weary of the lyrics, of the real story in the song. At the beginning it was exciting, it was always night when we snuck away together and i did fall hard.

I love being me. I'm slowly working out my personality. I realise I'm passionate, easily lit with excitement and enthusiasm. I am a dreamer. I throw m whole body to the wind and fly with it, and no matter how many times i crash i am still genuinely surprised because above all else i believe in myself. But there's only so many times of falling that i realise i should change tactics. I'm still going to throw my whole self into the wind (i think this is why i always ask those closest to hold on to me.) but I'm going to have tact this time.
I'm a little more clued in..... a little more.

Starlight By Muse.

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from my memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

The starlight
I will be chasing your starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away, never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations
And our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away, never fade away

And our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations, yeah
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold

nothing that i have i own, nothing is mine but me. i only own myself.

so you won, high 5 i don't want him anymore... anyway maybe maybe i actually WON. either way whatevs i was so happy to loose. the whole thing is fucked up. all i know is now i feel so alive. its awesome! alive is awesome alive is gooooooooood, alive is SO good. fuck young kids fuck stupid non committers fuck silly pretenders fuck everything but this feeling of being alive.... so many would be so jealous and envious of me of it
~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love&life

give the heart you were born with away. grow another, give that one away. Grow another. Give that one away even quicker, before it had really had a chance to fully form, it was too small to survive so it dies, grow another. Get better and better at growing and giving. Till you begin to stop giving. Forget how to give. Find someone special and learn how to give again. Give. Forget how to grow. Die.

i am but a girl of simple pleasure

in 38 degree heat i sit inside in 15 and eat hot spicy lentil soup.
delish.

If anyone ever asks me to change, the only thing I'll change is my opinion of them.

I can hear the soft breathing
Of the girl that I love,
As she lies here beside me
Asleep with the night,
And her hair, in a fine mist
Floats on my pillow,
Reflecting the glow
Of the winter moonlight.

She is soft, she is warm,
But my heart remains heavy,
And I watch as her breasts
Gently rise, gently fall,
For I know with the first light of dawn
I'll be leaving,
And tonight will be
All I have left to recall.

Oh, what have I done,
Why have I done it,
I've committed a crime,
I've broken the law.
For twenty-five dollars
And pieces of silver,
I held up and robbed
A hard liquor store.

My life seems unreal,
My crime an illusion,
A scene badly written
In which I must play.
Yet I know as I gaze
At my young love beside me,
The morning is just a few hours away.

i will always come, what else do i have on? where else to go? ...no one else to be with.

at the moment your tucked away safely out of my mind.

but it can't stay like this. you can't remain a paper doll forever. soon ill have to let you out again. im dreading and longing for that.

Cath . . .
She stands with a well intentioned man
But she can't relax with his hands on the small of her back
As the flashbulbs burst she holds a smile
Like someone would hold a crying child

Soon everybody will ask what became of you
Your heart was dying fast and you didn't know what to do

Cath . . .
It seems that you live in someone else's dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress
With the things that could have been are repressed
But you said your vows and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more

Soon everybody will ask what became of you
Your heart was dying fast and you didn't know what to do
The whispers that it won't last roll up and down the pews
And if our hearts were dying that fast, they would have done the same as you
I'd have done the same as you

life hurts

bring on the time, i long for time to have passed.

Tiny Beautiful Things

“You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.

Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

and you let me go

dead.

The boy i was in-love with has died. He's not there in his empty shell. The boy i fell in-love with wouldn't have done that. This is not him at all. Let us all morn his death.