this is what my soul is doing

Tired, empty lost, looking out upon a lake that i once thought my home. She is beautiful, mysterious and now i realise that living here, being here has taken me away from everything. She has poisoned and isolated me. Now its beauty is a harsh reminder of all the lies and deceit.

sometimes i wonder how I'm not dead yet,





                                                                                                              then i wonder why.

i love you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-Xm7s9eGxU

"I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away."

   (YouYube user 'vsauceeee' about motzart's Canzonetta Sull'aria)

If you love your boyfriend show him that you care, and that he's the only one for you.

• Don't flirt with his friends or other guys.

Tick. 

• Don't lie to him or cheat on him.

Tick. 

• Don't be cold, but don't worry. If you worry too much, he will be under the impression you don't trust him. If you don't worry at all he will be under the impression you don't love him.

Sounds easy, but also isn't it just adding complication? If you are worried, and everyone one is now and then, just voice it and address whatever is making you concerned. the more relaxed it is the better. Also GET OVER insecurities. Being exposed and vulnerable is part of trust, but you can do it in a smart way.

• If you are happy to be with him, let him know. Smile often and let him know that your smile is all because of him.

I should do this more!

• Laugh a lot, but don't be fake when you laugh. Truly mean it.

I need to laugh more. Learn not to take others so seriously and maybe myself a little more.

• Make sure you assure him. Men can be simple creatures that require assurance or will seek it somewhere else.

Need to do this more! I want him to be reassured definitely. 

• Be yourself with him, not someone you are not.

I don't know how to be anyone else but myself, sometimes am i to raw and honest?

• Call him.

Or in my case send in cute messages coz i can!

• Talk to him about things you wouldn't talk about with anyone else to show him you trust him.

Maybe i over share sometimes. Also be strong and able to work out issues for yourself.

• Show him that he's yours and only yours.

He knows!!

• Always open to him and never hide any secrets even if it means you have to break up with him.

Sturt knows me and the truth would never mean that we break up because we are well suited and we are best friends!

http://www.ncpamd.com/Stimulant_Side_Effects.htm

A great website detailing EXACTLY why someone who does not need to be taking Ritalin should never ever take it. However I do find that Ritalin helps me. I'm not saying that it is the perfect drug for me as i feel almost all of these side effects, and i feel them very intensely. What I am saying is that I do need something. Ritalin has helped! Maybe i do need Ritalin  and i just need to work out the dosage and exact type of Ritalin.  But whatever it is, there is something very wrong, 

                                                              or not. Maybe i'm just testing. Finding limits, making them. Breaking and throwing out rules and re affirming them.  i don't. who knows.

dying narcissist

I am sorry,
                     to everyone and anyone whom i have ever made question themselves.

                     I am so sorry for any bad word or insinuation i have directed towards someone.

                     I am so sorry for all the un-necessaryness i have created.
                                                                                                  Be it drama, pain, anger or frustration.

But most of all i want to thank you all for giving me a chance, letting me in, respecting me and allowing me to create all this horror. Because without your open heart, mind and character i would have been harmless.

But i really do wish for my sake, contradictorily, above all others, that i never did do anyone wrong. Please be comforted by the truth that all i did do, never hurt anyone else more than myself. All the taunts and lies never cut down, or ruined anyone worse than me. All of the indiscretions, faults and insecurities i highlighted only highlighted all of my own, only brighter. I never cut off anyone unfairly without first cutting off myself.

And;
In this i am even more sorry. I regret that i can't even apologise without mentioning myself the most.
(I guess i realised all i have said is ultimately true, and regrettably I am sorrier to me than i ever could be to you.)

If i was sorrier to you though how could I live?

If i was to truly lose myself and my vanities i would die.

I will finish this, the worst, vainest, self centred apology with this;

I think in the case of me, i do want to die. I wish i could. fuck you survival instincts of a narsissist.

i want this.

I could never know what the blind man sees
 I could never know what the deaf man hears
 Or know what the dead man fears
 Even if you were so pissed off at me


 NEWS FLASH:



 Pyberia broke after words of insecurity.
 Thankgod.
i hated that band. but really why would C continue to sing as flat as he does and still take out all this uncertainties out on G? All it really did was piss off S and J and the rest of the crowd, and let C bring embarrassment onto himself. C is so insecure these day one does have to wonder if it really is just his poor singing qualities that are getting him down or is it something else happening in his life???!!! Although as every fan knows C never has been the happiest or content of guys.
Poor C, will he ever find happiness? Not if he continues in the state he does. As foe G, he will be fine. Got some stuff to sort out (non band related) but he'll be fine. Gotta love the old G!!! till next time this is CSS your old band reporter signing OUT!!!