got an interview at sportsgirl. did i get it? do i really want it? arrr tell me next tuesday tell me!

we're gonna take a walk outside today, we're gonna see what we can find today...

Eveytime Sturt goes to work and i do not :(
i am going to apply for a dream job. Todays was an average dream; Sportsgirl.

Tomorrow The pube.... como pube!


oh yeah and i began my treacherous journey of having a vintage store/things i make store.....
We shall see how it goes.....

tingles and makes me nervous

BECAUSE I LOVE THEM SO VERY MUCH, and hearing this makes me worried they will evaporate away and leave me lonely again...

Dear sam,
Hey! I'm so sorry I haven't done anything about what you did. At first I was too mad to do anything. Later I was just devastated. sam, I'm not sure what you were trying to prove, but if it was a test of if anyone cared, fuck you. The only reason i draw this conclusion is due to the letter ou wrote me. You could of just asked me (like every day). Fucking hell sam, OFCOURSE I CARE.. I AM UR BEST FRIEND. ofcourse I care. sam, I KNOW U REGRET WHAT HAPPENED, it's shit. I wish it never happened too. i know that if i was just there in that moment we would be hugging. WHY? REALLY? YOU..... Fucking hell sam I think of you every single day of my life. What did you expect to happen??????? For me just Move on? You were my BEST FRIEND. you dealt with so much in my life. I miss you SO much. You were my closest friend. Hey, just saying that letter you wrote..... BULL SHIT.
am I even allowed to be mad at you?
You have affected my life SOOOOO much. More than anything. And I just want you back. sam. You were worthier, and I permanently think of how happy you would be in my circle of friends. So much bullshit and we could have survived?!!! My friends would have loved you.... Just like I still do.










sam, you could have never have imagined how much i miss you. if there is a god i will be-able to hug you again.
i love you :)

dear joel,
i just want to say im sorry for the way it ended, like that it had to end.... but it really did need to... best for both of us. We both need fresh starts.
today I went through my room and got rid of everything retaining you. Including a bunch of photos from our europe trip. these photos were unlike most, actual physical photos, taken on the disposable camera. there is one particularly beautiful shot of you and the tiber river. i gave you the negative, because i would want it of it were of me :)
gosh joel, it been so long since we have been over and i don't know what to say, except... all our memories of friendship are forever beautiful. I can never think a bad thing of you because you were my bestest ever friend for so long!
i love you, like i always did, but never in the right way. i want/hope/know :) you will ind a girl perfect for you.
i was not her ;) but we sure were great friends... i hope we still can be (but unfortunately i can be so incredibly naive...)
damnit

but in other news;



yay. Joel, i had found so much happy!!!
I only want you too as well because then we can be friends again :D
god i miss you.
forever your friend,
love cat

i don't know what i want

Winter is halting than melting

I have no home. 
There is nothing left for me at Engadine, I have completely out grown that house. Of course I still love my family but I can't live there anymore. Every time I go there I feel as if I have stepped into a book of memories that have long since faded and gone cold. 
The place where I am living isn't my home. I become obsolete every time sturt steps from my side. Everything about the house screams temporary and every time I go there it feels as if I have stepped into a book of memories that I was never part of and never will be and all of the participants have long since all taken their own separate ways.
I am a nomad of the worst kind. Never comfortable, never happy. My only home is sturts arms. But he is always busy and constantly leaves stranded.




Post Note;
The other day I stepped out to escape. I needed to be myself for a while, not this needy stranger I have become. I let myself get lost on the turns and winds of the road. Love sucks everything out of you. I felt as if I was an intruder on these suburban roads as everyone else had an agenda, somewhere to be somewhere to go. Where as I was trying to find somewhere to go. Fumbling on the turns trying to pretend that I belonged just as everyone else did. I let the houses and trees flow floridly through me till I became the car. Just at the point when I was thinking I must be so far from your house I really should pull out my gps I came to a fork. There was a car both in front and behind me so I had to quickly bluff that I knew where i was going. I chose in a split second,left, only to see a second later a no through road sign. Damnit I thought I guess I fucked up the rhythm and now I'll have to turn around. But then I saw something so familiar. It was such a mind fuck. But somehow I had found myself back at your street. Your house down the end with you inside. I had come up the backwards way. When I had honestly thought I was so far away I had simply been finding my way home to you.

so much pretty princess beauty

slippery dip to magic land

I want to write songs. That's why I immerse myself in everything like a seal in a bathtub. I want the foam of life to come up and get caught in my throat till I can't help but cough life back out. I want to eat down the world till it poisons me, and foams back out of my mouth as fully formed words.

Sometimes I just want to take the most precious most expensive thing, the thing I love the most and treasure above all and smash it against a wall.




You shall never understand this.

Sturt,

home for me is where you are,
so can you please hurry up and come here
so i can be home!

love cat

There are so many authors I want to hear from the grave

William shakespeare come back! Come back so you can write to us about how death is.

The scariest thing in my life is my potential. My own shadow scares me more than you.







But then again I have always been much wiser than yourself.

Drumming song

Pretty girl with a sweet disposition and magic in her heart. Always sitting around was forced to do crazy things due to the boredom she faced during band rehursals. Dubbed the next yoko Ono she fled the sounds and was often found in strange situations when the hours had drawn to an end. One day she climbed the top roof to the highest point and jumped out of sheer boredom. Rejected and left alone to occupy herself she had become her own worst enemy. She shall be slightly missed but not really as the sound of drumming is the strongest sound and can drown out anything else.

If there is a god he should be ashamed.
Answer.....
He is.

we need to talk

left alone to float on the chards of all your friends missconceptions.
in a way i'm so thankful that i have been rejected by these fleas,
they have chosen to reject me, my blood being too strong willed, too honest for them to prey on.
how have you run with them for so long?
i chose you. i saw something in you, but do you have the clarity to see it yourself?



its easy to remember that if it weren't for me you wouldn't have to deal with this,
and its easy to forget that if it weren't for you i wouldn't need to either.
start saying somthing coz ur silence and coldness hurts
i can not belive that such a silly little pig and her pet could cause us such tension.
in your own common words "I thought we were past this"



but we are. its only in my own mind that i create such barriers.
what fool am i to think that such hollow words forged carelessly and in the womb of a spineless worm could ever sway something so pure as gold and as strong as love.
i have been stung, but not by any sort of clever trickery.
more by the clumbsy violent bashing of uneducated words.
Un justified school yard name calling.



i can not wait for the real saddo to be exposed.

Dear daniel,
In response directly to your whole argument of reasoning;

"Brooke is one of my best friends and you making up shit that never came out of her mouth makes me so fucking angry. Brooke rarely says a bad word about anyone."

daniel, honey, she wasn't saying anything bad about you. Your intergrity was never on the line. It wasn't you she was accusing of being in the wrong. On the contary she was expressing that "opinion/idea/rumour" out of concern for you.

"I know Brooke would never say a bad word about Cez or me and there is no way she would ever make up a rumour such as the one you have conceived."

Dearest daniel, don't be a fool. Although you have some form of remnanets of a realtionship on the line when this disastar happened, dude please understand and recognise that I myself had way more to loose. Lucky for me i have stronger roots and you have no chance of being able to blow any of it away. But indeed i have way more of a relationship, and friendships to loose.
Please keep this inmind before you senslessly go accusing. I understand and even appreciate the way in which you simply want blood, not facts but buddy go prey on someone else. Also please keep a leash on your dragon. Any more death threats can land you in court. i say this simply out of charity, as most adults would be able to realise this on their own.
wishing you only what you deserve and more cat.



i would like to run away.
the stench of bad words is too strong in the air.
words are always the hardest stain to remove,
so when laying them down please be sure that this is where and how you want them to be


i want to be perfect,
fly above everything.
give me wings to deal with d & c.
and no that c does not stand for carol.
excape this constricting view
this suffocationg surface
that is the earth.

is truth subjective?

when the ship catches fire and all the people abandon responsibility, no fuck that, they literally lock you up in the gallows to burn, how am I suposed to deal with it?
Luckily they aren't the most sain of people and their "batshit crazy reaction*" leaves stains all over the walls for everyone to see.
They would loved me to have been drowned at birth, but i didn't, so now they are trying to drown me now.

sheen is well know as being insaine. "a bullfighter,*" sadly unable to fight bullshit though. Her well trained pet, Danielle. Dee's potental is perfect. Hurt, in love and trapped by the ties of familiarity. In a way sheen has trapped herself by making Dee so reliant on her delicuos meals of lies and constant need to be mind fucked.

In an alternate universe Dee ran away and was able to become himself, happy car chilling and unable to start fires on the side of como river-let alone capable of locking me up and setting fire to the place.

It is amazing how far one's mind can be twisted, both by yourself and others.
Ofcourse there is more then three people to this comedy, it also involves the three innocents, Desert, Blonde and Liam. Poor Liam, as he is the most innocent. I do feel bad how it has played out for him, for he simply came along for a holiday and ended up having the cruise ship pulled from underneath him, forcing him to swim to shore.
Desert definetly played his part and even blonde could have chosen her words better but she is the next innocent one. Finding a slightly different, wiser island to swim to than Liam. Unfortunately Derest is so inclined to stay behind, even locking himself away with myself. I yell at him to bail over the roar of the fire, beggging an pleading with the gods above that he ignores and choses social death with me.

also at the core is krinste and flame. Flame starting and then abandoning ship to leave others with the mess, only to return to fan her flame a little more, not that she really needed to as this ship was born to burn. and christa just like kindle he spreads it, causing missinterpretation and blame.

Then there's perkla, just like ariel she yells helpless encouragement over the tempest. i feel she has more of a part to play if we are to ever get rid of this burning flesh smell.


the tempest isn't the loudest thing however, its the endless hurtful insults trying to penetrate me and blacken my heart and my name. as i'm pushed down every step, water tripping down with me dee's insults get more and more intense. as we near the dungeon his deepest intentions are revealed in his foolish babble.

"Do everyone a favour and get lost.*" he shouts as he shuts the iron door of hurt mistrust and deniyal, "You belong in a mental institution or something.*"
Oh dear danielle, oh the irony.

*actual quotes from the people involved in the shipwreak

Staplers should fuck off

Things that burn (a poem by c.silvester)

Fire
The stove
Metho
Alcohol
The sun and,
Finding your boyfriends ex girlfriends lube in his cupboard.

i want to be perfect for you. but perfection is always subjective.

so please just see and love me for what i am.

never what it seams

i want you.

in regards to my birthday. you can not give me what i want so please give nothing. Or everything, (to curb the disappointment).

ITS AMAZING HOW FUCKING CLUELESS GUYS ARE

like literally

Time

What if it is
Time
and only Time
that holds a
value in
our lives?
What if it is
what we should be
storing
and saving and locking tight
in safety deposit
boxes?
What if it is
what lives behind
the numbers on our
checks and credit cards
and how, yes how,
can we spend it?
I would sell all
I own and have and built
for more time
with you.

by Tyler Knott Gregson

sturt makes me trololo like a trololo cat should!

(that was me he was looking at... )

i want you. i want you so baaaaaaaad.

i worked out i was the only one riding the roller coaster. and if i did it much longer i'd probs make sturt throw up from motion sickness due to him trying to watch me and keep track from the ground.


"by doing shit like this your making your fear come true. if u keep doing things like this i won't want to be with you"

waiting to go on a date with sturt

roller coaster

up&down.

the person i hate second most

loser, user.
waste of time.
child. irritating and rude.
awesome at sex. bad at love.
lame lame lame.



i can do better than you, but you can't do better than me, so SMARTEN THE FUCK UP.

LOLZ

and you think i'm too obsessed with you? LOL













your such a fool. you'd need to work harder to get that sort of recognition from me.

BULLETPROOF HEART

aaaaand BAIL. BAIL BAIL BAIL BAIL.

burns like black acid

the thought of him moving on
still burns like black acid.
but i've worked out its not burning me.
its burning any feelings i have left for him.
so it fucking hurts,
but its healthy.
like burning off a wart or a mole.



I guess I'll always love him.
Just never again.

You are perfect.
I am perfect when I'm with you.

lets make this something? or lets walk away now while i still see you as perfect.