I kept thinking that i had, but i'd never really let myself, (not that I let myself this time either.)
I think because i was raised by two really caring people who treated me with love and respect and always taught me to treat others the way I would want to be treated, I now get my worth from others.
When I broke up with Sturt, I was released into the wild. I was everyone's challenge and prey. This isnt a reflection on me, at all, although I found it flattering I shouldn't have. By the time I was first made to feel like absolute shit it was from someone who I'd never have expected it. Not because they were nice but because it was my friends younger brother who was like 3 years my junior and a complete idiot. He lied that we slept together. Truth is he tried, and I said no all night, seriously all night, whilst his best friend and kayla were up stairs. (thats why i was even there). Before I knew it he had his dick out regardless, but because he was so drunk and couldn't get it up he had to finally relent. He then settled to tell everyone we did have sex, sturt found out, believed it and punched me at a party. Sick times!
Second time was an incredible mind fuck who still comes up from Melbourne to haunt me. I met him on new years eve, had what I thought was a fun holiday fling, but he insisted on getting my number. Then insisting on flying up to sydney 5 times to see me, always staying with me at 5 star hotels and taking me out to ridiculous dinners and pouring his heart out to me, with all his dreams hopes and fears. He also insisted I fly down to Melbourne twice, Stay at his family home (his family were away), sleep in his bed and cook for me. He encouraged, coaxed, and let me fall in love with him. I spoke to him every day via phone and text. I snap chatted songs of me bloody singing to him for fucks sake! Then one weekend for my birthday he came up for 4 night, 5 days, the longest I had ever spent with him. I could tell something was up, he was being a little mean and cold to me. But I ignored it. However when he left he said "Ill call you when i get home" a whole week went by before I gave up waiting and called him. He seemed very sheepish on the phone and apologised profusely. I was really chill with him, pretending i honestly didn't care. He said he'd call me again. Three weeks to the dot went by before I called him again. This time he didn't apologize, didn't act sheepish, didn't really care. I asked him if he was ever going to come up to sydney again. He replied very coldly "We will have to see".
Then about 2 months since he came up for my birthday i was having a housewarming. It was so much fun, all mine and laura's friends, weed, sangria and cheese! And all of a sudden i turn around and there he is. Come up to sydney. I don't really understand why he was there. But here he was wasted at my party. Brought his 3 drunk, scabby and annoying friends too. Josh I quite like but he was wasted! They then proceeded to piss off my other guests, drink a fuck ton of my drinks and smoke my weed. They then passed out in my bed, leaving me to sleep on the floor without a doona or blanket. In the morning they stayed till 12, didn't help clean up, didn't offer to help. Said he would call me that afternoon to see if we could hangout...... DIDN'T HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN TILL MONDAY MORNING WHEN I CALLED HIM......i am a bloody idiot for calling him i know but wtf i wanted a chance to tell him off, I wanted some sort of justice. I wanted him to realise he cant treat me that way. I wanted to ask him "what would you think or do if a guy treated your sister that way you have treated me." (By the way he answered this question with "high five him...haha... no im joking".) This boy is a nice person, who is so selfish they act horrible, therefore making them into a horrible person. And yet, I fell wholly and fully in love with him. Even i know i can do better. Tough lesson, but i hope i learnt it forever..
Next boy was the drop kick. I've heard him be described as the male version of me but like a drop kick. Its true, he's laid back, quiet but still has a lot to say, quite gentle and quite creative and smart. He also is lazy like me and likes to party way too much, like me. Like so many of these stories I wasn't interested in him at first. He pursued me and i was like "meh". But then I slept with him.... twice on two different occasions, and then magically he was never really free to see him...... CLASSIC! Classic fool is what i am!
The last of my recent endeavors kinda in a way hurts the most. Because out of all of these guys I expected more from this one. I know 100% this guy is a nice guy, yet being a nice guy isn't enough, because they still treat you like shit. He was my friend years ago and I always had a crush on him. When one day high i read back through all of our correspondence it hit me, he had a crush on me. So i went along to one of his gigs and then took him home..... He took me out for coffee a week later, and at the time I thought i was coz he genuinely liked me, but now i realise (seeing as he is magically never free anymore) that it probably was to lift his conscious.
I guess the other thing to learn is, how I treat myself is how others gauge how to treat me. If i consistently start relationships off with sex, then its not the most stable starting ground! And these are all the boys in the last year that I have done.
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