So, every night I've gotten high, (and i guess that does make this a well controlled variables stay) and its been hard and i've felt the most alone i've ever felt, (but in that same way i've felt the most independent i've ever been) and i've loved every night (all two, lol), and its been great, but already i have also learnt so much about myself. I've already learnt I can take care of myself, that everything, including my well being and safety and finances can hang on only me. But im not getting all miss independant here, Ive also learnt that i need to make an effort to see my real friends, the friends whom have broken through that home stay barrier. It is so weird to say but there definitely is a barrier, and to be honest, ive never broken through before. yes i did live with joel, and yes we did have our own little home together, but it was in a way which i was restricted and (worse) bored, but it was a home none the less. We did have love, and i did break both of our hearts when i left. But in the same way I did him the biggest favour because it wasn't mine, and it wasn't his , it wasn't home, it didn't count (and it never will, his new fiance needs to know this, because i know it hurts her when she thinks of me and him, but i wish i could just tell her "dude, its okay, he loves YOU!". ; Yes i did love again way too soon, but it was again real love, I honestly was in love with sturt, for a whole three years (i guess thats why i dealt with everything, in huge (hope??) denial) but again it wasn't a happy home, (that is probably the darkest, lowest, most untamed animal i have ever been). In some ways Sturt to this day, (for now) knows me the deepest anyone has ever known me, because i was the worst ever version of myself that i can be, and he too himself was the worst version, and i loved him.) Being in that relationship definitely taught me too outstanding things; Love is beauty and love is also pain but at its most concentrated, and its also a damn motherfucking choice, such a motherfucking hard choice to make, so fucking choose well. In a way thats why I was then attracted to James, he was a sensible choice. his job is steady and his drive for it was pretty steady but he had no and passion for work, or anything. I think thats why he liked me, I have passion, and it rubbed of me onto him for a while. in so many ways i felt james was a real and beautiful soul, but too weak, he'd given in, to the easier path. thats why on the weekends away from me he would do drugs and get fucked up, although he didn't want to. He was so compacted. He needed to feel the feeling I gave him when he was with me. I am drugs, I seriously am. I can make you feel the best you have ever in your whole entire life, or i can make you OD (probs along with me). But in that same way so are so many girls, and thats why some girls can't handle themselves, because they are constantly OD'ing on themselves.
Tonight Laura my new flate mate had no idea how beautiful she is;
I constantly trip balls on how some of the most intricate people have no idea how beautiful or how unique they are, and thats the beauty of being a drug, you don't need to know, you can only gauge it on how its effecting the user, you just be yo self, but they trip.
I definitely am on a mission for love, passion, and fairness. I just want everyone, no matter who or whom they are or have been, know how perfectly flawed and lovely they are and how that is so beautiful and designed.
its like the whole of humanity are one big jig saw puzzle and what each other lack we can fill, we are all so needed. Thats where the circle of life becomes a square, when people are left out of the cirlce, we are ALL needed and we all fit perfectly.
Whenever i watch documentaries on hurtful people )aka jonestown massacre or charles manson or john wayne gacy), its all because they haven't been allowed to feel love. they have all been severely hurt. My 8th grade science teacher had it so right when he said "they are the same person as me (and us all), the only thing that separates me and them is actually acting on it. a couple of choices different and i could be right where they are, a slightly different up bringing and i would be with them."
Footnotes from a super high night;
Learn more about tuepac
Learn how to dance like solange
aie ant wood is always good
vanessa's french harajuku girl song was super contextually lolita
read more novels/(auto and not)bibliographies/text books (this last lesson is actually not from the night, i just love reading haha).
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