ALL OF THE BURN

There are many different types of burn in a break-up.

I tried to remember the amount of pain I felt in the past for each of my break-ups and put it into order, however it was too hard as time heals all wounds. I do remember pretty clearly the type of burn I felt for each.
I have broken them down into 4 key areas.
Sadness - the hollow empty lonely feeling you have after the relationship is over. The sadness that it is over. The wanting it back again.
Indifference - the feeling of not caring - technically this is anti burn.
Regret - Wishing the relationship ever happened, wishing you never met them, the poisonousness of the relationship outweighing the good.
Loss of Friendship - The burn of missing them as a friend, the feeling of sadness you may not ever see them again and the feeling of sadness you may have hurt them.
Please see below a series of ten pie graphs charting out my feelings at the end of previous relationships. As any other order would be pointlessly impossible, see chronologically.

2002 - 2003 

(8 months)

CN was my first and most innocent relationship.

It ended, we didn't talk for 6 months, then slowly gradually became best friends again (without dating). This is the ideal outcome for the end of relationships - admittedly easier to pull off if you haven't kissed the guy let alone had sex with him.

At the time it hurt, but not much, probs due to not developing a sexual side.

 0/10 of me longs for any future with him.

2005 

(1 month)

JD burnt bad, he was my first heart ache, but it was the type of burn that didn't hurt at the time but then left a terrible scar. At the time I was very numb, disgusted and angry.

I still think I see him in the street sometimes and freeze, only to realise its not him - I have not idea if he is even in the country. He also sometimes makes an appearance in my dreams, although given the chance I wouldn't ever get with him. It's kinda like the regret for how things went down and the loss of friendship. I guess there's an element of anger there too, which is where the regret comes into play.

 4/10 of me longs for a future friendship with him. 6/10 of me hopes I never see him again.

2008 -2010 

(just under 3 years)

JK was my first romance. It was beautiful and loving and kind and perfect, except for the fact I had no sexual attraction to him at all really. He was the first guy to 100% pursue me and wouldn't give up so I was like meh, why not. He LOVED me. This resulted in me treating him like shit and behaving the worst I have ever in a relationship. When we broke up what I missed was my best friend who would do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I hated the person I was with him.

0/10 of me minds if I never see him again but 10/10 of me wishes him all the best. To be frank this story has the right ending as he would not give a shit - he is married and just had a baby boy. I hope I was his frog to his prince.

JK is also the only guy I have ever cheated on. It wasn't till years later I matured and was able to regret the way I treated him.

2009 

(3 months total)

DH and I were great friends while it lasted. I thought I liked him, but afterwards saw I was just intrigued by him. Everything about him from the way he spoke, thought and where he came from and what he aspired for was so different from me. None of it was anything I wanted. I didn't really care when it ended, although he was one of the meanest to me afterward - for reason other that his unknown one. He never knew I was seeing Joel at the time still, this is why i didn't kiss or do anything else with him.

0/10 of me minds if I never see him again - although 10/10 of me wishes him all the best.

2010 - 2013, 2015-2016 

(5 years total)

 SN was my longest and deepest relationship so far. I honestly thought I was going to marry him and thought I wanted to for a bit. Our relationship was also the hardest and resulted in not one but two very painful break-ups. It contained the best sex and the worst sex. We were each others everything's, but I was the stronger one and I felt so guilty for much pretty devouring him. 10/10 percent of me knew we shouldn't be together. 10/10 percent of me wishes that wasn't true. 10/10 percent doesn't want to live without him. 10/10 burns.

2014 

(4 months total)

JG was a confidence boost. He spend money on me, he lavished compliments on me and made me feel really beautiful. He was by far the least confident in himself guy I have ever loved. He was super sweet. He was the weakest guy I have ever dated. I was sad for him when we broke up. I felt sad it was the wrong timing - he needed to grow up a lot and learn a lot, perhaps heal ... A LOT. 

But now I don't miss him at all.

0/10 of me minds if I never see him again - although 10/10 of me wishes him all the best.

2014 

(3 months)

In some way DB is my favourite.

He was an idiot, probs still is. Harmless, funny and going nowhere. At no point did I really want a future with him, although he has some awesome qualities. 

I don't miss him at all, although I do wish I could sit in the pub on a summers afternoon with him one last time and drink a beer and smoke a durry... but them once there it would never be the same. That carefree girl is gone.

2014

(2 Weeks)

I regret the loss of friendship with this one. Given perhaps the chance we both weren't so fucked up at the time we could have worked really well. Perhaps he could have been the one that got away, except that it was so brief there wasn't the chance for any feeling to take root.

3/10 of me minds if I never see him again - although 10/10 of me doesn't see the point or think it will happen.

2015

(Hours - torment lasted 4/ 5 months)

REGRET. This guy makes me feel sick. He can exist, as long as he does it far away and without a shred of consequence or conscience of or to me.

2016

(4 months ish, he was pretty screwy at the beginning)

This is the break up hurting me at the moment. Its fucking burning me as I type. I saw so much of me in him - so much of me that I'm proud of and so much of me that I hate. I also really regret it at all happening - which is confusing as I learnt a lot and really did deeply love him. I think it was one of the most painful, because I had the least control over this one. Also in other ways he thought so differently to me and I didn't get to work him out yet. I think he thinks he's worked me out which also burns. He initially was one of the least physically attractive - except perhaps AK or JD. His dick was one of the least beautiful, but he was the third best in bed, although I think we were on track to being the best given the chance.
Oh fuck, all I know is that right now I feel pain. White hot burning pain. I can not wait till this goes away. I know it will, thats one thing I can hold onto. I didn't know - still don't know if the pain will ever go away for SN. Surely every single break-up must all stop hurting eventually.

Fuck I miss CC. I think the worst thing is I miss who I think he was, forgetting who he is. CC treated me the second worst - in a sense actually he treated me the absolute worst. Well not as bad as AK but still worse than the others. I don't think he knows how much anguish he caused me during it, so in that way I feel unfinished anger towards him - one more thing that's burning - hence a whole lot of regret. I felt the ugliest and least assured or confident with him at times, but I think that I was slowly getting more confident.

I do hope that we can be friends, I don't know if this is possible, or how to set this into play and I have no idea if I do really deep down want this friendship at all.

I hate him for ending it with me, although I saw no other possible ending. I am so hurt. I want to love him. I want to forget him. I want to call him. I wish I never met him. I am so lonely. I am so hurt.

He told me he never did love me. That also hurt, although I don't believe him.

Post note: I have only ever missed JK or SN or CC in the presence of other lovers.

Fine Print

I missed JK with SN, I missed SN with JG, DH (although SN & I hadn't gotten together yet so it was more me lusting for SN), DB, TM, AK and CC. I missed CC with SN one time when we caught up for a chat, although I think that was me wanting the new and none of the stale past (CC was the new at the time and SN and I were having an old worn out fight.)